The hardest, most personal post I have ever written...

September 02, 2014

This post has been drafted and deleted countless times. 

I don't know how to start it, what exactly to say and how to explain things as I am confused myself.

I know that lots of different types of people read my blog; those passing by just looking for a review or DIY, long standing and repeat readers, fellow bloggers, people I know through an 'official' capacity but think of as friends and sometimes even brand representatives/owners probably read my posts. I appreciate that the following information isn't relevant or pertinent to some readers but I feel very close to a number of my 'online' friends and think it is time to share.

Please bear in mind how personal the following information is, I am scared and reluctant to share but I feel I am as ready as I will ever be.

About 6 weeks ago my husband of nearly 8 years left the family home very unexpectedly. It all happened very quickly and I was/am completely shocked. As far as I knew we were a happy family, we didn't argue and I didn't see it coming at all.

I don't want to go into the very personal side of things... and the truth is, I can't fully explain it anyway as I don't really understand what is happening and why. The only thing I know is that he is gone and he is not likely to come back.

I have been very well supported by all my friends and family. I have been completely blown away by the help, love and support that has been given to me and Maddie over the last 6 weeks. I have also been surprised at my own strength. I have managed to keep things pretty normal for Maddie and surprisingly civil with my husband. 

I have, of course, been over whelmed at times and I am distraught at what's happened and what it means for mine and my daughter's future. I have kept things together in the day but at night I let my emotions out, once Maddie is safely tucked into bed.

I don't really know what to say other than this is why I have been a bit absent on social media. Luckily I had all my posts and video pre-filmed and scheduled for the summer holidays so there was no gap there and now I feel like I am okay to write and film again, in fact it has been a very welcome distraction and outlet.

I also wanted to thank my lovely 'twitter friends' who offered me love and support when I asked for it, without me even providing an explanation. So many of you tweeted and messaged me, asking if I was okay, sending me love, support, light and good wishes. Although you didn't know why I needed them, your kind words helped enormously.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support.


64 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about this difficult time for you. We enjoy reading your blog so much, and of course- even if a blog is "just" beauty based or healthy lifestyle based, over the posts, you get to know the person inadvertently through their posts. Sending you light and love and strength. You deserve nothing but the best!!!! - Kathryne

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  2. Oh Rachel I'm so sorry to hear that :( Sending you all my love and lots of hugs<3 Just remember, everything will be alright! xx

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  3. So sorry to hear this, sending you positive vibes to get through this tough situation xxx

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  4. So sorry to hear this Rachel... Sending you lots of strength and love through this difficult time. I wish you and Maddie all the best. <3 Liz xx

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  5. There's so many things that life is, and no matter how many breakthroughs, trials will exist and we're going to get through it. Just be strong...
    You are amazing, you are powerfull... And you will get through this, because you can <3
    Hugs

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  6. Annie HelloPurpleClouds2 September 2014 at 20:53

    Thanks for sharing what must be an incredibly difficult and painful post for you. Hope you gain some strength and comfort from all the love and support you have from us all out there who know you, whether personally or just online. Xxx

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  7. Stay strong! Both you and Maddie deserve the best and it will come to you. x

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  8. I'm so, so sorry to hear this Rachel. You're a wonderful, lovely person, and I believe you're a strong woman who can get through this. Wishing you and Maddie all the very best, and stay positive always! <3

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  9. Oh Rachel, I am so sorry to hear this, my eyes teared while reading this. I hope God gives you super strength to overcome this. Please receive lots of hugs!

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  10. Hi Rachel,


    I am a long time reader of yours even though I've never written a comment before, but I really wanted to tell you that I am really sorry and that I wish you all the best to you and little Maddie.
    I admire so much your strengh and your courage, and even though it may sound clichéd, let me tell you that everything happens for a reason and, like we say in my country, "when a door's closed, a window's opened".
    Stay strong and keep it as positive as you can (I know it is easier said than done), everything's gonna be alright in the end, and you have all our support and your loved ones'.


    Lots of good thoughts and positive energy from Barcelona xxx

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear this news Rach. Stay strong! Sending you and Maddie
    Loads of LOVE HUGS and Positive light!

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  12. Oh gosh, Rachel, I'm sooo sorry to hear this! Sending you and Maddie hugs and lots of love and light, strength and support. You'll get through this and be better for it. Please let us know anything you need. xoxoxoxoxoxox

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  13. So sorry to hear about this event in your life. Please take care of yourself and Maddie first priority! Stay strong, we will be here when you get back if you need to take a break!

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  14. Oh no. Rach my heart breaks to read this. I'm a new follower but you've captured my attention and inspired my choices with your sweet spirit. What a jarring, painful loss. I'll be here if/when you're ready, but if you need to be lifted up, let us know! We'll be here <3 I hope you can feel the hugs I'm sending from Canada to where you are. Much love to you and Maddie.

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  15. Rach,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It makes my heart so sad! You are such a sweet, kind, inspiring person, and you do not deserve this at all. I will be keeping you and Maddie in my thoughts and prayers! I hope your hearts find peace soon!

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  16. I'm sorry to hear about this, hope you stay strong, best wishes for you and Maddie. You will get trough this I promise, just like I did when this happened to me my daughter was only 2 yrs old. It won't be easy but every thing passes and your heart will heal :) My daughter is now 17 and thanks to God we are doing just fine I now remarried and have another 8 yr old girl. Take care XOXO.

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  17. Hi Rach, I've been following your video's and blog for a little while now but I normally don't comment. I just wanted to say that you seem to be such a genuinely lovely, sweet person and that I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It can be so scary when a relationship break up comes along and changes your life. I know that you will be strong enough to get through this and please know that there are so many people thinking of you and sending you their strength and love. From Skye

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  18. Rachel, my heart was heavy as I read this. It must be so challenging right now to maintain normalcy for Maddie whIle your insides must be in turmoil. Know that every feeling you're experiencing is normal and welcome. I know we all want to feel good but sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to feel like things suck sometimes. And that's ok too because those times don't last forever either, even when it seems like they will. It is a sure sign of strength to reach out to your blogging community for support. The warmth and love that is coming your way is as real as any I've ever felt. I hope you can feel it washing over you in love and in light. Please write to me anytime or we can talk. Times were not always easy in my house either. I had to go through it and feel every bit of raw emotion there was to feel. There's nothing like looking back and saying, wow, that was hell, but here I am stronger, better, and wiser for it. I can't wait for you to be on the other side. Much, much love. ♡

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  19. Oh my dear, thank you for sharing this with us. We are here to lift you up. Sending positive vibes to you and Maddie.

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  20. Dear Rachel, I'm a new subscriber, but when I watch, I feel as though I'm watching and sharing in the life of an old friend. I cannot begin to imagine the mixed emotions you are feeling, but I feel honoured to have you share your story. You are and will continue to be in my prayers and thoughts, and know that your sharing is a selfless act, that I am sure, will be a blessing to several others (including you). Much love. xoxo

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  21. Oh my God I had no idea, my heart goes out to you Rachel. You are a strong beautiful woman, and you will pull through this. I know how hard this situation can be, but I also know how rewarding blogging is when life around you is falling apart. I'm so sorry this has happened if you ever need a shoulder or an ear for a chinwag I'm here for u xxx

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  22. Rachel
    I've been following your blog for a couple of months now. I love your blog and your personality; you radiate sweetness and beauty. It must have taken a lot of courage to share this with your readers; thank you. Part of the reason why I've been interested in joining the green beauty community is because of the real sense of 'community' and friendship. I feel like I know you as a friend and am incredibly sorry to hear about your temporary rough patch. Remember that it is temporary and time will heal. Your strength is inspiring.
    Sending love and healing. xoxo
    -Ashtynne

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  23. Hi Rachel, sorry to hear this…I really do admire your courage and if anything all this has shown is what a strong person you are I'm happy to hear you have a lot of support though as it's always nice to surround yourself with loved ones and family during difficult times hope Maddie is okay ….in my thoughts hun xx

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  24. I'm a video subscriber and I never really comment on anything but I just want you to know you're a great person inside and outside, happiness will find you. Thanks for sharing it with us. We love you xx and your lovely daughter.

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  25. My sweet Rachel, you are a beautiful woman (inside & out). I'm so sorry for what has happened to you and Maddie, but know that you both will make it through this. When one door closes, another opens and when it does, happiness will be found behind it. I'm sending lots of love, hugs, and positive vibes your way xoxo

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  26. I am so dreadfully sorry Rachel. No one deserves that kind of treatment, especially someone as bright and uplifting as you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and I know that one day everything will be clear and will work out for the better. Have faith my dear.

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  27. Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear about all you're going through! I'm glad you and Maddie have supportive people around in this difficult time. You will get through it and be stronger for it in the end. Sending lots of love <3

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  28. Clean Beauty Craze4 September 2014 at 15:27

    Thinking of you and praying for you and Maddie. <3

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  29. Thanks Catie, it has been incredibly difficult but I have been so well supported and I will get to the other side somehow, I'm sure x

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  30. Thanks Hayley, it's difficult to see it like that in the thick of it but that is the attitude I am trying to have as wallowing won't do me (or Maddie) any good.

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  31. Aw Nicole, thank you so much! All the love, hugs and positive vibes are hugely appreciated, they make a big difference, I am so sure I can feel them! xx

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  32. thank you so much, that really means a huge amount to me xx

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  33. Thanks Rinica, it has been so tough but I have been surprised at my own strength, I guess we never know what we are capable of until we are pushed to the limit. At the end of the day I cannot fall apart as I have Maddie, she has been my light and my strength. xx

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  34. Thank you, that really is lovely to hear and I feel a real connection to our special community as well, it felt like a safe place to share and I have been proven right with all these amazing messages of support. Thank you so much for your kind words xx

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  35. Thanks Louise, I've been trying to balance keeping things normal and not 'putting on a front' which is tough! Also wanting to say what is happening but not wanting to splash my personal life over the internet! I feel 'happy' to share now and I am so glad I did, everyone has been amazing. You have always been nothing but supportive of me (and my blog) and you have done/said a number of things since he left that have really lifted me and you didn't even know, you're a very kind and loving person Louise, thank you xx

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  36. Thank you so much, what an amazing message of love and support, that has lifted me so thank you xx

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  37. thank you very much, that really helps and I am sure I can feel all the love and positivity being sent my way xx

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  38. Thank you Sarita, you are wise and supportive as ever. I really can feel all the love and support being sent my way, it has been over whelming in the best way possible. xx

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  39. Thank you so much, that is so lovely to hear and I really appreciate it. xx

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  40. Thank you Karina, it is so inspiring to hear how people have got through the other side and are happy, I am sure I will get there one day xx

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  41. Thank you so much, your kind words and love make such a difference to me, you have no idea. xx

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  42. Thank you so much, it has been incredibly difficult but I am glad I shared as I feel so connected to everyone and the love and support has been over whelming. thank you for your kind words, that means a huge amount to me xx

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  43. Thank you, that really does mean a lot to me and your kind words really help xx

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  44. Thanks Leilani, I really appreciate that and I feel it makes a huge difference, I feel so strengthened by everyone's support. xx

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  45. Thank you so much, what supportive and encouraging words to read, I really appreciate them a lot and thank you so much for them xx

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  46. Thank you, it is a very difficult situation but I am glad I have my family, friends and the lovely people like you in my 'online community'... who are just as real to me! xx

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  47. I really do feel so supported by everyone, thank you Annie xx

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  48. Thank you Marie, I feel simultaneously empowered and destroyed by this situation... thank you for your kind and supportive words xx

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  49. Thanks Jana, I will get there in the end I'm sure. At least I still have Maddie to brighten my days! xx

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  50. Thank you, that really means a huge amount to me, I feel so connected with everyone and the support has been amazing xx

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  51. You're welcome bella. Much love. xoxo

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  52. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Positive thoughts and prayers are coming your way from this girl. Life is crazy but good things come from terrible things if we can let ourselves see them - seems so trivial to say but just hang in there!

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  53. I am so sorry to read this Rachel. Sending you love. I am sure this is going to be one of the hardest things you have to go through, but there is a lot of love and support for you within the blogging community x

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  54. thank you so much, that is so kind of you to say and it means a lot x

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  55. Thank you Karen, it certainly is the most difficult challenge I have ever faced but I do feel very well supported... on line and in person xx

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  56. HI Rachel, I am so so sorry to read this. As I have been in touch with you over the summer, I am completely shocked as you have clearly been an absolute rock holding everything together. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a strong mum, you have my utmost respect. I'm sure you don't need me to say it, but if he aint here you're better of with out him, I know that is what I would be reminding myself in this situation, I don't know how much that would cushion the inevitable shock, I don't think you can really imagine it until you are there. Any way, However you are doing it, you are clearly doing a great job and I am sure you will make this the beginning of a great new chapter for you and Maddie. Lots of love and very best wishes, Vicky

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  57. Thank you Vicky, I've been trying my hardest and doing whatever I can to keep things happy and 'normal' for Maddie, she has been my ray of sunshine through all this. As the weeks pass I am starting to feel more like that (better off without him) but I am mourning the life I thought Maddie and I were going to have. Having said that, we will make a new version of the happy life I expected and it may even be better in it's own way. Thanks for the support,
    Rach xx

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  58. I bet you are mourning! - it must be an enormous shock and horribly disappointing. It is a cliche, but time heals - as you say, and I find massive disappointments generally clear the way for better things that you never even dare imagine before - Onwards and upwards. (and he is obviously an idiot too!) xx

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