Past Tense

January 24, 2015

Advanced warning, this post serves no purpose! 

I said a few weeks ago that I wanted to do more 'thoughtful' or 'thinking' posts where I just get something I'm feeling or thinking about out onto my blog... this is one of those...

I was talking to my friend about my ex-husband (well, still technically husband but you know what I mean) and I noticed I was using the past tense to describe him. To put it bluntly, it was as if he was dead.

I did it again, another day when I was talking to someone else and I realised that it is how I refer to him all the time. 'He used to do this...', 'He was always very that...' and so on. 

I stopped to think about this and realised that, for all intents and purposes he is out of my life like someone who has passed away. I know that is a really morbid thing to say but it's true. I don't see him very often, I very rarely talk to him and I don't ever spend any kind of extended period of time with him.

I also thought about how I 'mourn' the loss of him - no actually, that's not entirely true. I mourn the loss of the life we should of had, the future I thought that was in store. I mourn the loss of our long and short term plans, the family holidays we would of taken over the years, the school plays and parent's evenings we would of shared together... the night's out, the night's in, the days together... the shared 'in' jokes and the way we 'got' each other and sometimes didn't need to talk or explain - we just knew.

I know a lot about my ex from my time with him in our nine year relationship and now I can't use any of that information in my daily life. I know all his like and dislikes as they were 6 months ago but they may have changed now, I just wouldn't know and I won't know either. I don't really care but it does seem a bit of a waste, doesn't it?

As if my suspicions about his 'death' weren't enough my heart broke into tiny pieces the other day when Maddie said to me, 'It's like Daddy's died'. Where on earth did this 5 year old come up with this idea? And how did she reach this realisation at about the same time as me?

I guess to her it feels a bit like he is 'gone' as well - he's not there to read her stories or tuck her in, he's not there to hear how her day went at school or what she ate for lunch. Seeing her one day out of 14 is not being a Daddy, not in the sense that she would want from him. I try to encourage more time together and more contact but unfortunately I am met with resistance. 

But - this blog post isn't about public digs at my ex, far from it, it's just a musing about how he is only referred to in the past tense in our house. And how incredibly sad that is.

P.s. I would like to state that this post is about my personal life and I am sharing a lot on here. I chose to do so because I find it cathartic and not at all for attention or sympathy, I really don't need either of those. Also, I am not trying to attack or defame my husband's character, just sharing my experiences and thoughts.

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